I miss waiting in the cold, until I get in your car. I miss having cold hands and you holding them to warm up and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but wrapped in your arms right now, my forehead touching your neck, my breath catching yours and yours catching mine. I can’t believe how used I got to the feeling of being held by you. I realized what a difference it makes when it’s not you.
– Self Reflection
I once felt comfortable with the idea of me being different than people expect. Now that I’ve experienced what it means, my attitude towards meeting new people changed.
Not speaking openly about my struggles meant, that I sometimes felt overwhelmed when I met people for the first time. Accepting assumptions about me felt way easier than proving them wrong, though it wasn’t. I developed the fear I could break their trust in me when they realised I haven’t put enough trust in them, to tell what makes me vulnerable. It’s hard to show yourself vulnerable if you’re a sensitive person, but by now I’m convinced hiding hurts often as much as lying, even to yourself.
What if the words left unsaid should’ve been spoken instead, I understood their meaning and what they might could’ve changed. There were moments that needed pure honesty, though I remembered the outspoken truth once felt like bare skin. You could think whatever, because the past lays behind, but those same words still remain in my mind. Being written on paper doesn’t take them away anymore. Now I believe relying on the quiet, sometimes just isn’t enough and next time I won‘t let the fear make my mouth shut.
Self Reflection 