There comes one point in time, where you just don‘t want to be alone anymore. No matter how much selflove you built up for yourself and tried to be as independent as possible. But nobody forces you to live in this hyperindependent way, besides your own feminist ideals. The imagination of a woman that doesn‘t need anyone apart from herself. So secure in her own personality that nobody can tell her, who she is meant to be. Maybe I am that woman already. But maybe I will lose her, once I fall in love again. Scared to lose myself being in love with another person, I protect my heart. Not letting anyone come near my vulnerable self, is the best way to do that (I‘m telling myself). I crave to love someone, but who would admit that. I forbid myself from admitting this openly for fear of seeming desperate.
Tag: self care
The Book Shop
I feel alive in the midst of all this knowledge I can’t maintain. All the things the world has to offer are written on these pieces of paper and are yet for me to explore. Literature is infinite. Those words are connected to memories of my past, present and future. I remember a book of mine being the essence of my childhood and the memories connected to it live on as I continue my life.
Something Is Missing
I miss waiting in the cold, until I get in your car. I miss having cold hands and you holding them to warm up and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but wrapped in your arms right now, my forehead touching your neck, my breath catching yours and yours catching mine. I can’t believe how used I got to the feeling of being held by you. I realized what a difference it makes when it’s not you.
– Self Reflection
Uprooted Pages
Uprooted pages are the scars of a book. they leave a small piece of what once belonged there and let us wonder, what caused her being torn out of home? Whose hand did she take that was dragging her behind? We notice them like scars on one’s tender skin. They fade but never leave and remind us, our body heals what weakens us.
I leave
You let me know I disappointed you, but I don’t feel like saying sorry. It might hurt my sincerity to tell something that I don’t mean. Waiting for a reason to leave wasn’t good for me, but now I found one. Since then, you were left with expectations and nobody was there to comply them.
mental vacations
On some days, I need to go on mental vacations and refuse to take someone with me. My mind is the only space I’m being left alone at, and I can get lost there. It occurs to me that I feel grounded at an unknown place, where I‘d leave my whole heart. However, I wonder what the symptoms of my distractions are.
silent mornings
When the morning comes, the sun releases it’s subtle light and I take a glance outside. My bare feet on the cold kitchen tile are keeping me awake. While I still feel a bit numb, I find comfort in sipping my cup of coffee, the first cup of gold. And before the rush I need a minute to be in touch, not with anybody else, but myself. I think, if I could just keep this peace throughout the day, though I know it won’t stay.
Choosing Yourself
Sometimes you might perceive an overwhelming amount of thoughts building up in your head. Your mind is absolute chaos, it seems confusing. That’s when you need some time to reflect, which goes a long way. Because it often comes with having to choose a new space, unapologetically choosing yourself first and going at your own pace.
We need new surroundings to discover ourselves, like searching in the ocean for something you can’t find on land.
It can mean, being distant to certain people in your life and having to deal with their reactions to that. And this fear of what could happen, whether it’s loosing those people or feeling even more lost in life, is holding you back. So you may crave change, but you’re too afraid of it. On days, where you feel like the fear is controlling your mind, you should try to focus on what the experience of taking care for yourself can teach you. Think about what you have to gain and see the strength and bravery in taking this choice.
Remember that growth isn’t meant to be comfortable.
Self Reflection 